I try to focus on the positive and stay thankful. It sure feels better than to sink down and give in to the constant black pit that lingers continuously in my gut.
Looking over our summer, that went waaaay too fast, I can’t believe all the things I learned just to keep our world moving in the “usual Simmons” direction. Not only learning all the ins and outs of how the summer cottage gets opened, it’s ticking and closing it up. But the extras that you did or took care of. Oh my there are many. From the simplest of blowing up a bike tire or what you used to make the golf carts shine to hosting a neighborhood potluck and fire in Chris style. The biggest accomplishment was learning to not only drive the boat but pull the kids (not just mine) on the tubes. According to Preston, NOW we will be ok. Of course absolutely none of this summer life could have happened without the amazing (Chris hated that word) support from my Sandy Pines neighbors. These peeps have proven the therory that family is not just blood. So much to be thankful for. So much.
Why is it then that receiving some replacement booklets of checks threw me into a full blown crying fit? Because they came with only my name on them. Only mine…
I loved seeing your name next to or above mine. Chris and Kellie Simmons, Chris and Kellie, it fit … or at least to me it did. Now I have to use checks that no longer have your name on them, and I hate it. Just another thing that has your name erased from it. This crying fit makes me look around our home. The home that we built together. The plans we had for this home. The home that I now hate. The home that is now so difficult to live in. Not just because everything seems to be breaking or needing to be replaced. Which makes me wonder if it was always this way and you just took care of it without bothering me or if everything has decided now to take a dump? This home makes me then think about the cars… your cars. The cars that you loved and knew how to take care of but now cost me a fortune to repair because like the house they too have decided to take dumps.
So today I hate this house, these cars and these damn checks. These stupid checks that no longer have your name on them. I guess this is my reality today. Maybe after a solid cry and some sleep, I can get back to being thankful again. Right now that outlook seems far to reach.