I started this blog to help update friends and family on my guy. In return, I realized that it turned into a great outlet for me to deflate my emotions. So tonight, I’ll give it a try again, as I’m having a meltdown and the tears won’t stop rolling.
Last night, I had to change many email alerts that kept going to your email. While I was into the profiles, it made sense to change the rest of the information over to mine. This was so difficult! I was not only overwhelmed with all the accounts but it felt like a piece of you was disappearing. As well as a huge reminder of how much you took care of. Through all of this, I am realizing how lazy marriage made me. It was just so easy to let you take care of so much of our life. Let’s face it, your control freak personality preferred it that way. And now I realize I’m talking to you my love, instead of putting my emotions down. This empty pain that sits constantly on my chest physically hurts. I can honestly say, I have never experienced a pain like this. I have absolutely no idea how I am going to continue this journey that we started together all alone. I don’t want to. Plan and simple.
When I’m in the shower, I close my eyes and imagine that when I step out, everything will be as it was. I would even take back the days of the cancer looming over us but still not a threat. But when I open my eyes and step out, you’re not there. And that heaviness that sits on my chest seems a bit heavier. I look at all the home projects and think, “What the F am I going to do?” It took two of us to run our full life. How am I going to manage a home and a cottage?
For some reason, the nights are the worse. I’m not sure why. Once it’s time for bed, I get this overwhelming dread. I wake earlier now and I lay there wishing for the sun to rise. Almost willing it, so I can get out of this bed and start to work on something so my mind gets and stays busy.
Every part of our life seems to need your death certificate in order to wrap up and move on. It’s like life, at least my life is at a standstill until a piece of paper tells the world that you are gone. I think, maybe if this paper never comes, then all of “this” is not real. Sooner or later someone will jump out yelling, “Surprise! You’ve had enough!” But then today I got the call. The call that you were ready to be picked up and that damn piece of paper was ready too. For a moment I thought, if I didn’t pick you or that paper up then my reality wasn’t true. But I knew if I didn’t take this next step, then I couldn’t move forward. And my hope is if I can somehow move forward, out of “this” spot, I could quit being so sad all the time.
As they handed you to me in the 3 individual mini urns and the big cherry box that I ordered because they all reminded me of you, all I could think of was “Wow” … just wow. My full of life, adventuresome, wildly handsome, incredibly intelligent and equally stubborn husband who was my best friend is reduced to this. This powder. You were and still are so much more than “this.” How do I wrap my head around “this”???
With no other choice, I put you in the back seat with a serious contemplation of buckling you in and off to the County Clerk we went. Oddly, I felt the urge to talk to you about what I was doing and in a weird way it brought me comfort to be addressing you… in a way. I’m not sure what the lady walking by the car thought when I said to an empty back seat, “I’ll be right back, don’t go anywhere.” as I giggle at my ridiculousness.
I have to giggle, because if I don’t I will surely shrivel up and die.
I am so sorry you have to pass through this, really am.
You and your family are on my prayers, and I really hope you can all get through this.
Try to keep your mind busy as much as you can… It will help.
My best wishes to all of you!
I read this twice today….and sobbed both times. I honestly can’t even imagine what u r going through.
Everything u do brings back memories…or emptiness. Brings u pain and sorrow. And makes every small daily task magnified into extremely large one.
I don’t have the right words to take away ur pain…if I could I definitely would for u r more deserving than anyone I know.
Keep in ur mind…and heart that he is always close and always there with u and watching over u. Continue to talk to him…it is not ridiculous…it is a way of coping until u r stronger. Talking with him is in a sense his way of helping u to heal…let him help u.
I luv u girl and know I am here day…or night if u need a venting session or just need to cry. U don’t have to be strong…let it out…it will help u move forward as he would want u to.
Oh Kellie, I am SO Sorry for how you are breaking inside. You have SO many people who LOVE you are we are all here for you. I know this doesn’t even put a dent into easing any pain for you, but please lean on any of us that you need to, to ease the pressure of life around you. As for the cottage, we’ll take care of the snow on the porch any time we get we down to do ours. If there are any issues, we are all here for you. As for opening, Brad and I know how to do that, as do many others and we are all here for you. We can completely open your place up for you. Just say the word. For Fall closing, we will all take care of that too. And if you need us, your Sandy Pines family will surround you this summer, to make sure you don’t feel alone. Unfortunately, you have a few firsts that you have to walk thru without Chris, but I promise, in time, you will learn a new normal. A normal where you know you are capable of either doing whatever needs to be done or capable of locating the resources to get things done. You did this before Chris and you will again, in time. Take Baby steps Kellie and don’t expect too much of yourself. You are a strong woman, but you’ve been hit by with a strong blow. It’s ok to take the time to recover and it’s ok to grieve, break down and just scream. On the other side of this, is when you will see how truly strong you really are, but only because you have no other choice. I am here if you ever want to talk, vent, scream or just reminisce. Thinking and praying for you as always. Sending hugs your way. I actually have gone thru this, but not to the extent you are. Mine was a relationship, not a marriage and I didn’t live with him. He also died of Cancer. It’s hard when every where you move, it’s filled with reminders of them. It’s hard when the only thing you need or want in the world is to have them back and know that you can’t. I would lay awake at night, hoping to see his ghost, because I had heard all about loves ones coming back, but he never came. Hang in there Kellie. You are in so much pain, because you we’re blessed to have an Awesome guy by your side for those special 13+ years of marriage.
Kellie, The shock is wearing off and you are starting to feel again. Like being sea sick, even on dry land everything is still wobbling. You and everyone that loves you are praying for you to weather this storm until the rain stops and the cloud start to part. I love that you are still talking with Chris because I’m sure he is near you, watching over you. Still loving you as he always has. We will never ever get over losing Chris. We will in time learn to live without him, and grief will give way to all the hundreds of good memories. They say if you ever find yourself in hell…don’t stop there, keep moving. Everyday will be a new first. Ones that you hoped that would never come. There will be better days and set backs that may test your faith. When you are down, remember Chris saying, ” Why you tripping K?” You asked for God to show his glory to Chris. Have faith that Chris is Cancer free, wearing his hat, picking out slips on the best dock that heaven has to offer, and he is reserving slips for us all next to each other for the best summer season ever.
Remember what my nephew said. We are the fools stuck here with all this suffering. Chris is flipping bacon on the grill and getting mimosa’s ready for us all to join him. I am looking forward to being with Chris again. But, for you Kellie and the rest of us, our work is not done yet. We must earn our way to Chris’s next dock party. Chris was just an over achiever.
That was beautiful