It’s been a while since I’ve posted and it’s been 4 months since you left. Time seems to be flying by yet it feels like an eternity. I haven’t been posting because I found it hard to write about me rather than someone else. I also didn’t think that anyone would want to read about my emotional struggles, not really uplifting stuff. Part of me doesn’t really want to take the time to write down how my day went or how I feel because it makes it even more real or to have to live through that moment again. But through the past few months, I’ve come across some people that said they still check this site to see if there’s anything new. To me, I find it so strange that people would check back. Isn’t your story over? When I responded this to someone, they said something that hit me – “Ah, but it isn’t, it’s a beginning to another part.” I guess in a way they are right. It’s a beginning to you not physically being here… nevertheless a beginning. So here’s a brief (well, we’ll know if brief after I write it) of the past few months.

HOLIDAYS

On holidays I’ll get these supportive texts and messages from people that I know care and mean well. The messages are all the same, “Today must be really hard for you.” I’m not sure if I’ve grown numb (pretty sure to a point I have) or if it’s normal, but so far the holidays have not bothered me. The days that bother me seem to be “You” days. Your birthday was surprisingly so difficult. I already had Valentine’s Day and Easter under my belt so I was sure that this would be just another firsts to tuck away. I planned with the boys to do our traditional birthday dinner at one of your favorite restaurants. But when your day came, I found it was all I could do to count the hours until the day was over. The thought of going to a dinner, in public, to celebrate was the farthest thing I was able to do. I checked your Facebook Page several times throughout the day to make sure I did the polite “thank you for thinking of my guy” response to the outpouring of birthday wishes being left. After all, if they took time to leave a message knowing you would not read it – it was the least I could do to take the time to respond. I know you would of for me. Several messages had the “I know you are in heaven and I miss you so much” or “still can’t believe you’re gone” or “you were my longtime friend.” A few where the standard happy birthday auto fill that Facebook does. To those, I wondered if they even knew you where gone. By midday, I just wanted to scream back to those messages, “NO! I miss him! I miss him more! He was my longtime friend! My best friend – not yours! He’s mine! Not yours! Mine!” Sorry… I would never scream that at anyone. I know they mean well … but it might feel good to … just once.

At the end of the day, I changed my pj’s for sweats and ended up taking Preston and 3 boys to see a superhero movie. I just didn’t have it in me to celebrate, except if it was to end the damn day. Maybe next year will be better.

OUR ENGAGEMENT

Another day that surprised me was May 14th. The day that you asked me to marry you. While up on stage, at a restaurant, in front of our friends while more friends and family hid in the backroom until I answered. Turning a dinner with friends into an engagement party. Pure Christopher style. Again, the struggle to get through the day took me by surprise. I just kept thinking, you picked me. Out of everyone, you picked me, to spend the rest of your life with. What made me so special for you to want to do that? Then the damn pity set in and all I could think about was how the only person who thought I was that special, who made me feel that special, was no longer here to make me feel that way any longer. Now I’m just part of the crowd. I know, hold the pity train so Kellie can get on. But it’s what I felt and still do.

THE COTTAGE

With the help of neighbors that are so flipping patient and kind, I got the cottage (or cabin as you called it) open. I’m still learning and have to remind a few of them to let me try before they do or else I will never learn. Oh my, is there a lot of work to this! How the heck did you do it all AND find time to golf?? I still need to put the little boat in and learn how to operate it – but I’ll figure it out somehow.

THE MARINA

Today we went back to our old marina for a dear friend’s son’s graduation party. I knew I could not stay the night as they had asked because the quiet “normal routine” of the marina on Sunday morning would be too full of memories to handle. I really thought a quick visit, in a party setting, would make it easier and doable to handle. Not the case. I was really ok, even after a couple recognized me and stopped me for a sympathy hug. But when I rounded the corner and saw the bench that we always waited for each other on. You know the one, right outside the bathrooms. The one you and Preston would hang out “forever” on because you both would say that it took me “forever” to shower and get ready. (insert eye rolling) That one bench broke me. After that, it was like our old boating life came flooding back and I was mush for the rest of the evening. Preston kept saying, “Game face, Mom. You need to put on your game face.” He was right and I tried. Yet, I couldn’t stop myself from taking a visit to the deli. Which ended up with me sitting alone in the booth we would work together from on workdays. Nothing had changed, excepted the workers, which was a good thing. Not sure if I could have taken any “I’m sorry for your loss” at that moment. They might have needed a straight jacket. I just kept thinking, I can’t believe I’m sitting here without you. I would have NEVER thought I would be doing this. The marina that you were so well known at and liked – not sure if it was because you bribed them with donuts whenever you needed something. Either way, it just seemed so incredibly empty and quiet without you there.

Your “toys” that I’ve sold so far, your grandma’s health plunge and a few other items and events can wait for another post. Otherwise, this one will be entirely too long to finish reading.

I may not write about my days, but know I am always talking to you throughout my day. And I guess today, I just really needed to get some things down. To really talk to you. Somedays my heart physically hurts from missing you. And I will admit there are times I try not to think of you because it just hurts too much. But please know that I miss you every single second of every day. And that my days are just not as fun or exciting without you in them. Mostly telling me what to do..just had to get that in… cause I miss the most our bantering and teasing. So I’ll do it here 😉