[WARNING: Not a happen or thankful post…just don’t have it in me today.]

Well, I made it through my second week of work life. I’m not sure if it was easier as more of going through the motions. Preston has made it back to all his activities except karate. There’s always next week and we are going to give it a hard try.

Today, I had a conversation with someone I’ve seen here and there. They did not know you were gone because they didn’t really know who you were, except “my husband.” The conversation was about their hunting dog, go figure. But let me tell you, it was the most refreshing conversation I’ve had in several months! I was able to share about our hunting dog, Brohm and the adventures you had with him. In the conversation, you were my husband in the present tense. There was no talk about sickness, death or missing you. Just hunting dogs and you…here..in the present. Best damn conversation in so long.

This Saturday is one month since you left. One month since I was able to talk to you, hug you, care for you, physically see you. One month since it was a you and me, a husband and wife, best friends together. One month…

So much has happened in that month, yet nothing has. There are times I can’t believe it’s been a month because the time during a day seems to go by so slowly. Like I’m waiting, but I’m not sure what for. To make myself feel better I keep pushing to get things changed over, taken care of and figured out. Somewhere in me, I must think that if I get all of this “stuff” done I will feel better. Yet with every user and log in I change, with every email changed from yours to mine, every bill into my name, all I feel is like one more piece of you is erased. And that empty heavy feeling in my chest is yet still there. 

I’m continuously battling being on the verge of a crying session to struggling not to be angry. Lately, anger is winning. I’m angry for so many obvious reasons, but I’m mostly angry because I want my old life back. I want to have my norm back, I want to have my family back, I want to have my security back but damn it most of all I want to have my husband back. To have my happiness back… doesn’t everyone deserve that? And this is shallow but darn it I miss my nightly back scratches. 

I did have your email forward to mine and oddly it makes me feel like a part of you is in my day when I go through my inbox. Who knew you had 375 True Value points and only need 125 more to get a $25 gift card. Who knew you had a profile on the MI lottery website to purchase tickets. I didn’t even know there was such a site. Or notifications sent whenever a Cougar is posted for sale from Mecum Auction. The most surprising is how many emails you get from headhunters letting you know that with your qualifications you can apply for this position or that one. You had so many options that most wish for. Makes me so proud, yet a bit jealous. I admit that I look forward to looking at my email (and do several times a day) at the off chance that I learn something new about you. 

So for now, this is how I deal. Reading all of your different emails that were probably junk to you but like little pieces of gold to me, just to have a glimpse of you in my day. Several calls a day to your phone to hear your voicemail message can soothe jumpy nerves. Or if I close my eyes and put one of your voice messages to me on repeat, I can almost pretend it’s a normal day. What always works and what I look forward to the most is bedtime. The state between closing my eyes and drifting off to sleep is where I see you and hear you. It’s the place that I can replay pieces of our life over and over and for a small moment in my day all seems normal… all feels right.